It's a tribute to My Immortal.
'Cept good. Look, I've already written two chapters:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4277003/1/M ... y_Immortal
It all started that one winter’s day. Harry Potter watched the snow falling gracefully down over the window, masking the images of the Quidditch players beating each other to death on the field below. He was the only one in the common room today, save for Hedwig, who had been trying to gnaw off one of her legs for some time now in an attempt to use it as a lockpick, as Harry had been so consumed with watching the snow he had forgotten to let her out today.
Suddenly, Harry felt a malevolent presence behind him, as if someone had opened a window from the Forbidden Forest, as the same smell of the rotting corpses of unfortunate first-years violated by the Whomping Willow could be felt in the air. He turned around to find the source of the stench, only to find a bizarre creature heralding him. It was garbed in simple but elegant black robes rimmed in gold. It wore an inverted pentagram in a golden necklace like some sort of bling. It took the form of a handsome young man with raven-black hair and glimmering golden eyes, but underneath the robes Harry could see a glimpse of cloven hooves and the makings of tiny horns beneath the hair, barely noticeable under the enormous G-UNIT beanie he was wearing, but noticeable to Harry as he had EPIC GARY-SUE SIGHT.
It was Satan.
“HEY, HARRY. WANNA BUY SOME DRUGS?!” Satan screeched with all the elegance of a man getting his chest hair waxed by a red-hot branding iron. Despite the horror of the sound of it, Satan’s voice was irresistible. To everyone else, that is, who hadn’t seemed to have noticed that Satan was Satan. To everyone else he was an ordinary student with a graceful voice and the ability to pull whatever he wanted out of his hat, which they chalked down to awesum magik skillz. They also didn’t seem to notice that he had hooves, probably because anyone who saw them wouldn’t survive the ensuing kick in the head. No-one noticed this, either, and the corpses were dragged away to some random corner where Peeves probably did nasty things to them.
“Fuck you, Satan.” Harry responded, turning back to the window, not even bothering to notice that Hedwig had dropped unconscious from blood loss. She was instantly reincarnated into a zombie via the aforementioned Prince of Darkness and flapped about muttering ‘BRAINS’ in some ancient demonic dialect.
Satan growled at Harry in a voice that would have forced Fred Phelps to join a black metal band.
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE!!1!" he screamed.
"...That's not a sentence." Harry replied, flipping through a copy of Playboy.
"YOUR MUM'S NOT A SENTENCE!"
Harry's eyes flashed with all the power of an electric generator being run by Zeus on a particularly bad day.
"DON'T YOU EVER INSULT MY MOTHER!!" he cried, whipping his wang- I mean wand- seriously I meant wand- don't look at me like that- out of his robes.
"Meatballius Soup!" he barked as Satan was immediately turned into a beef porterhouse steak, well-done, with trimmings of oregano around the edges.
"YOU BASTARD I'M GONNA TELL MY MUM"
The now slightly meatier Satan somehow managed to drag himself off, crying while leaving a trail of herbs on the floor.
“This…is going to be a long winter.” Harry growled, turning to the table beside him and taking a long swig out of a bottle of vodka that had somehow appeared there.
He passed out subsequently, leaving a rather angry Hedwig stuck in her cage jumping up and down on one leg.
FLASHBACK TIEM!!1!
It was time for the Sorting of the new students. Everyone was gathered in the Great Hall to watch the ceremony.
“Satan!” McGoogle barked, and everyone gasped and turned to Satan.
“Your name is Satan?!” the first-years yelped excitedly.
“THAT’S MY MIDDLE NAME MY REAL NAME IS TOM BOMBADIL” Satan screeched as he went up to the Sorting hat. But he wasn’t really, because if you read the first chapter you’d know he actually was Satan but everyone doesn’t know that because they’re stupid except for Harry who is a Gary-Stu.
The Sorting hat contorted into an amazingly cute grin as it sat on Satan’s head for a while.
“Gryffindor!” it said with a voice as high-pitched as Yoshi on crack.
“WTF IS THIS I SHOULD BE IN SLYTHERIN I’M SATAN I MEAN TOM BOMBADIL” Satan growled and took a seat next to Harry.
“YOU THERE YOU’RE HARRY POTTER HI DON’T MIND ME I’M TOM BOMBADIL NOT SATAN”
Harry ignored Satan because he had the magical EPIC GARY STU sight which allowed him to see lots of magical epic things, including but not limited to McGonagall without clothing. Let’s not picture that.
Suddenly the doors of the Great Hall burst open and a big poser (Draco) entered the room, wearing a long black trenchcoat and a necklace with a unicursal hexagram on it. Maybe he wasn’t such a poser after all, because if you know what a unicursal hexagram is then you’d know what you’re talking about. Harry with his ALL-SEEING EYE noted that Draco was wearing a Nazi uniform under his Satanic outfit for some reason. Maybe he was planning to do a striptease.
Satan looked at Draco like he had just fallen in love, which he probably had because Draco was secretly gay.
“I’M HERE NOW COWER IN MY WAKE” Draco yelled, doing a poor imitation of Satan.
“DRACO I LOVE YOU WILL YOU MARRY ME” Satan shrieked.
But Draco wasn’t listening. He went right up to the front of the Great Hall and did a striptease, which sent half the school into hysterics and the other half scarred for life. Before any naughty bits could be shown, however, Dumbledore grabbed Draco and dragged him aside.
“YOU ARE PERMANENTLY EXPELLED” he yelled and drop-kicked Draco out the window.
“YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I’M A SATANIC ARYAN NAZI” Draco yelled, but no-one at Hogwarts could hear him because at this moment he was flying over New York. However, quite a few New Yorkers overheard him, which made for some interesting discussion the next day. However, Satan was flying behind Draco! He kicked Draco in the groin and he dropped to the ground, then Satan raped him.
A few days later, Draco returned to Hogwarts, beaten and bruised.
“Hey, Dumblydork, can I come back? I feel terrible.” He said in perfect English.
However, Dumbledoor was not there! He leapt into the room presently with all the elegant grace of an elephant with its shoelaces tied together, despite elephants not wearing shoes. He dragged along behind him a possessed Snape, who spouted all manner of profane curses about what he was planning to do with the parfait he just saw Ron eating.
"SHUT UP HERETIC MOTHER FUCKER" Dumblydore yelped, slapping Snape across the face with a large trout.
"NO U" came the response.
“WTF” Draco shrieked.
“DRACO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE” Dumbledore yelled.
“Well, I just poured out a heartfelt speech about how I should come back, but you weren’t here.”
“NO”
“MY DAD IS A SATANIC NAZI AND HE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN”
Dumbledore wasn’t listening. He wandered over to his desk, muttering something like “I wonder what’s for DINNER” Presently, Fawkes turned into a roast chicken.
“FUCK YOU I DON’T NEED YOU” Draco stormed off. He had the perfect plan to get back into Hogwarts: fiddle with Dumbledore’s mind so he would let him back in! But how would he do that?
“SAY IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WANT TO BRAINWASH SOMEONE” came a voice. It was Satan!
“WTF Yes I do.” Draco responded.
“WELL THEN I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL”
“BUT I GAVE MY SOUL TO SATAN”
“FUCK YOU I AM SATAN”
“NO YOU’RE TOM BOMBADIL”
And then Draco was a zombie.
...and I'd like YOU to help! Please. This can be so awesome.
SO YES. If lolnazis has any ideas, please post them and they may appear in the next chapter!
