lolnazis

RedBaroness wrote:Did you hear about the jew bitch who told her husband, "Give me 10 inches and make it hurt."?
He fucked her twice and threw her down the stairs.

Heard it on bash.org first -
"I was walking along the street and some girl says to me 'gimme 12 inches and make it hurt' so I fucked her twice and punched her in the face."

I just remembered this one. I heard it differently, I only changed the name of the characters to fit the context (it's a bit anachronic but who cares).

The scene takes place in a small private air plane. The passengers are Franklin D. Roosevelt, president of the United States of America; Charles De Gaulle, president of France; Adolf Hitler, Führer of Germany; and Jacob Wagniski, a jewish businessman. The flight goes well, until the aircraft starts shaking. The pilot makes an announcement.

"Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're going through some turbulence, nothing to worry about."

But the turbulence doesn't get any better. The captain comes on again.

"Gentlemen, the aircraft is too heavy, we're going to have to drop some of the less important things to get back on track."

The passengers look at each other to see if someone has something to throw away. Roosevelt eventully stand up and gives the flight attendant a suitcase full of money. He says "Throw this away, we have too much of it in my country."

Later, the pilot comes on again: "Still too heavy. We need to leave out something else."

De Gaulle stands up and gives the flight attendant a suitcase full of cheese. "Srow zis away, we 'ave too much of it in my country."

The pilot says "Just a little more and we're good."

Hitler stands up and points at Wagniski. ""Srow zis avay, ve have too much of it in my country."

LOL'd
that's horrible, I lol'd
moar bad taste jokes plz

Lol!!!

Adolf Santa Claus... xD

BUMP cos I have moar

An SS-officer walks through a POW camp and points at one of the newly arrived british officers standing in line. "DU, Englander!!" he shouts, "How high can you jump?".
The british officer, 55 years old with a bit of flab round his stomach replies: "About a meter, sir.". The SS-man turns to the non-comm next to him and says "Sturmmann, give this man a bread and a bottle of beer."

He walks a bit further and points at a young russian soldier, in good physical shape. "Und dich? How high can you jump?". The young Russian replies: "I was an athlete, sir, so I think I could manage a meter and a half". The officer replies: "Very well. Sturmmann, give this man a bread and a half, as well as a liter and a half of beer!".

The officer walks on and points to an American pilot. "Du, Ami! How high can you jump?". The Yankee's eyes light up and he says: "Well, on a good day I should be able to jump some 5 meters high!".

The officer screams: "Sturmmann, shoot this man immediately! He can jump over the fucking fence!"

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What's worst about being a black jew?
Having to sit in the back of the oven.

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Two elderly Jewish men, Cohen and Goldberg, haven't met in years when they suddenly run into eachother.
"Cohen! How have you been doing?" asks Goldberg.
"Pretty good actually! I've recently won 10 million euros in the lottery, so I'm in good spirits." Cohen replies.
"Really? That's wonderful! What did you do with the money?"
"Well," says cohen, "I've had this big mansion built in the hills. You have to drive a 200 meter entrance road made of marble, past the gate in the wrought-iron fence that cordons my estate, into the driveway that goes around the 5 meter high gold and marble statue of Adolf Hitler I've had erected in front of my house."
"Oy vey, that sounds wonderf.... Wait a minute! Did you say "Adolf Hitler"?!?!?!?". Goldberg looks aghast as Cohen nods vigourously.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!? DID YOU FORGET WHAT THE BASTARD DID TO OUR PEOPLE?!?!?!?!" shouts Goldberg.
"I don't give a damn what Hitler did to our people", says Cohen as he pulls up the sleeve of his shirt.

"He gave me the winning lottery numbers!"

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Berlin, 1932. Mr. Cohen, an old Jewish man, is sitting on a bench in the park, reading a newspaper. His friend Goldfarb walks up and sits down next to him. "Hey Chaim, what's that you're reading?"
"Oh, hi David. Ehm, it's the "Volkische Beobachter". See?"
"Chaim, why the heck are you reading that antisemite garbage?"
"Well, my hemmorroids are killing me, my wife hates me, I've got no money, my one son's good for nothing, the other one's homosexual, my daughter's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is and my life in general just sucks. But according to this paper, I'm the most powerful man in the world, and that makes me feel a lot better!"

vonHohenheim wrote:OH! This one is my favourite:

The scene is a bar in Berlin in January 1933, filled with Nazis. Göring is skulling stiens of beer with the brownshirts, Goebbels is sipping cocktails with a couple of groupies and Hitler is seated with a wild-eyed Hess discussing pupil diagnostics.

An American journalist enters, sees the full crew and realizes he's sitting on the scoop of the century. He asks the barman: "Which one shall I ask for the absolute bottom line on the Nazi plans?" "Goebbels, of course" answers the barman, "He knows everything." The journalist approaches and says "I want the bottom line on what this Nazi thing is." Goebbels flashes him a smile and says "We intend to kill six million Jews and one postman." The journalist's mind races. "But why do you want to kill one postman?" Goebbels shouts over to Hitler: "See Adolf, I told you no-one gives a fig about the Jews!"

I'm having a hard time understanding this one

Poink wrote:

Kartoffelkopf wrote:Don't get the soap one. ;)

Oh! You need to see the movie "Life is beautiful"
or la vita e bella
forgot the title in english and italian lol
it contains jews, nazis and lulz

I flippin' LOVED that movie. My mother thought it was funny when Guido lied about spcking german and stated things that only made sense to his son.

If you loved that you would love the french film "Story of women". Nazis, french woman, hookers, sex, A bunch of good stuff. It was so beautiful, yet the ending was way too sad.

Here's two jokes.
I shamelessly editied both of them to make them more relevent to WWII.

This one must appeal to your interests.

Three germans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'

'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"

The gay man reesponded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"

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This one was hard to type.


Tojo, Mussolini, and Hitler all worked together at a construction site. During lunch time, all three sat together and ate lunch every day.

Tojo opened his lunchbox first. Pulling out some hotdogs, Tojo begins to shriek. "I swear! If Hirohito packs me food from a nationality that hates me Ichi more time, I will jump off this bridge!". Mussolini and Hitler both agreed when they saw their eygptian onion bread and matzas.
Eventually, the day ended and they all went home.

The next day, all three men sat on the same spot for lunch. When Tojo opened his lunch box he found hotdogs. With his last breath, Tojo ran samurai style and just like the bushido, killed himself.

Mussolini, shaking and nearly crying, opened his lunch box to find EOB. "Mamma mia!" He screamed as he jumped off the edge and landed on Tojo.

Last was Hitlers turn, without worry he opened up his lunch to find a whole boatload of matzahs. With a sigh, he jumped off the edge, and landed on the ground with his friends.

Then came the funeral. Hiro and Donna were holding each other and crying about their beloved Tojo and Mussolini dying. After a while, they noticed Eva Braun just sitting there. She slowly took out a ciggarette, took a huff, and with a deep breath looked at her Susser with sorrow.
"Eva! Are you mad? Why do you not cry for your huband? I mean it is our fault they died this way!" Donna shouted as Hiro continued to sob.

"I know,..." Eva said. "But Hitler packed his own lunch".
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Holy fuck, you people are EVIL.


And I love it.
*writes these down for future use at inappropriate moments* [/i]

Deutsche_Prinzessin wrote:

vonHohenheim wrote:OH! This one is my favourite:

The scene is a bar in Berlin in January 1933, filled with Nazis. Göring is skulling stiens of beer with the brownshirts, Goebbels is sipping cocktails with a couple of groupies and Hitler is seated with a wild-eyed Hess discussing pupil diagnostics.

An American journalist enters, sees the full crew and realizes he's sitting on the scoop of the century. He asks the barman: "Which one shall I ask for the absolute bottom line on the Nazi plans?" "Goebbels, of course" answers the barman, "He knows everything." The journalist approaches and says "I want the bottom line on what this Nazi thing is." Goebbels flashes him a smile and says "We intend to kill six million Jews and one postman." The journalist's mind races. "But why do you want to kill one postman?" Goebbels shouts over to Hitler: "See Adolf, I told you no-one gives a fig about the Jews!"

I'm having a hard time understanding this one

No worries!

Well, it's about the journalists reaction, a reaction anyone would have. He asks about the postman because it seems so small and insignificant it makes him curious why Goebbels would mention it at all, so he asks about it. It's a natural response, I think. Like, if I said that when I get rich I'll buy five Porsches and one pencil, you'd probably ask me why I'd buy the pencil, but you wouldn't ask about the Porsches. Not 100% the same thing, but I hope you get the idea.